I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #18

TITLE: Hidden in Shadows
GENRE: Urban fantasy with romance elements

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

As assassin Lorna hunts for her father's murderer, she struggles to master her newfound shadow power. But enacting her revenge would destroy any chance Lorna has of living a happy life when she falls for a target, leaving Lorna torn between murder and love.

REVISED LOGLINE:

As a paranorm with the ability to create and hide in shadows, assassin Lorna grows closer to avenging her father's death but is torn between duty and love when she falls for her latest target.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

This sounds like a great story, but what's at stake if she doesn't succeed in her goal to avenge her father's death?

Jess said...

I've been staring at this comment window for a few minutes now. The revision sounds good and I'd totally read this story, but there's still something missing, and I think I agree with Anonymous: I don't really know what the stakes are. They're deeply personal to Lorna, but I don't yet know why I should care. Make me care. :)

PatEsden said...

I suggest you change your genre to one you would find on the shelf at a bookstore. The logline shows the romance, so you could simply call it urban fantasy.

The second version is stronger and cooler because you say what her abilities are, but how about adding one more short sentence that tells what will happen if she fails to kill the target?

DJ said...

Great revision!!! Love it! Now do mine!!!

Sue said...

The revised version is better for sure.

I'm still wondering though, what the connection is between avenging her father's death and falling for her newest target. Was the target involved in killing her father? I think you have to show what the link is between the two for us to better understand her dilemma.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Big improvement. I agree with the others. You need to tell us the consequence of her failing to avenge her father's death, especially since revenge is rarely a good thing in the first place.

Nicole Zoltack said...

Newer version:

As a paranorm with the ability to create and hide in shadows, Lorna struggles to find her father’s murderer but is torn between duty and love when she falls for her latest target. The Paranormal Intelligence Agency wants to use Lorna and her powers to kill an innocent person – if Lorna accepts, they’ll tell her who murdered her father, but then Lorna’s chance at love will pass her by.

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