I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #6

TITLE: Ghost River
GENRE: Paranormal Mystery

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

Suddenly unemployed, Veronica jumps at the chance to save money and grab some R & R by house-sitting a home on a peaceful country river, but she soon finds out nature isn't as quiet as it seems when ghosts start to appear in her bedroom, the wrong man sets her hormones on fire, and a body floats in with the tide. Convinced her friend is being framed for the murder, Veronica uses clues from the ghosts and help from the hot guy to search for the real killer, completely unaware he wants to find her first.

REVISED LOGLINE:

When the ghost of a nun tells Veronica she signed an agreement in a former life to help lost souls earn their way to the next spiritual level, Veronica must use clues from the ghosts to prove a friend is innocent of murder and find a missing girl, all while fighting her feelings for an engaged man and running from a possible killer.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

This sounds like a cool story, but I think there's too much info here. Perhaps take out the love interest because it doesn't sound critical to her main goal. Also, the beginning was a bit too complex and I had to re-read. Perhaps:

When Veronica learns that she signed an agreement in a former life to help lost souls earn their way to the next spiritual level, she must use clues from ghosts to prove a friend is innocent of murder before the real killer stops her, permanently.

I feel like I'm missing a critical piece here, though, like how does proving her friend innocent help ghosts reach the next level?

Best of luck!

Anonymous said...

I agree 100% with Anonymous #1.

PatEsden said...

I like Anonymous 1's revsion suggestion. And I'm wondering if the missing piece could be clarified by using a few adjectives and more specific nouns--like by changing friend to lover.

Is the identy of the ghost the detail that Anonymous thought was missing?

Writer #6 said...

I like anon's version, too. I'm trying to work on it, but the hamster in my brain is on a break so there's no wheel spinning.

Stupid hamster unions.

Writer #6 said...

Does this make sense?

When Veronica learns she signed an agreement in a former life to help lost souls stuck in this dimension, she must use clues from the ghosts to prove a friend is innocent of murder, which gains spiritual points for the ghosts but puts herself directly in the path of the real killer.

Rachael Harrie said...

I like your further revision. A couple of comments:

Perhaps write "to help lost souls WHO are stuck" or "THAT are stuck." Also, I had a little trouble with the transition from "lost souls" in the second line to "ghosts" in the third line. Are the ghosts the lost souls? If so, perhaps "When Veronica learns she signed an agreement in a former life to help lost souls--ghosts--that are stuck in this dimension, she must use the clues they provide to prove a friend is innocent of murder,..."

Also, should "herself" be "her"???

Hope this helps.

Rach

Writer #6 said...

Thank you, Rach! Sometimes I forget people can't read my mind (you'd think my husband could by now, at the very least!)I wasn't sure if the souls/ghosts things would work and I didn't want to put "dead people", because I don't like that term and it's so "I see dead people" bad movie sounding (and lost souls are sensitive, ya know. Many don't even know they're dead.) I'll work with it some more and see if I can make sense of it or pull my hair out, whichever comes first.

And as soon as I posted it I changed "herself" to "Veronica", although "her" may work too.

Thanks again!

Rachael Harrie said...

LOL, good luck with it. Hope you have some hair left by the end :)

Rach

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