I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #4

TITLE: From The Other Side
GENRE: YA Horror

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she awakens to find herself filled with uncontrollable rages and an unquenchable desire for vengeance. And if she doesn’t find a way to harness her hatred and her deadly new powers---soon---she won’t be able to stop killing, not even the one person who may save her.

REVISED LOGLINE:

When seventeen-year-old Verity is murdered by the boy she loves, she becomes a ghost whose ability to burn her victims seems purpose-made for her mission of vengeance. However, the search for her killer and an increasing body-count stretch Verity’s sanity to the limits, and unless she finds a way to regain control more innocent people will die, including the one person with the power to save her from herself.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hmm. I like the extra detail about what she becomes. The second sentence is a bit unwieldy, though. Also, if she's killing people, then she is just as much of a monster as the guy who killed her, if not more. Not sure I like that in a character, so maybe you could make her seem a bit more sympathetic? Why is what she's doing justified?

Mystery Robin said...

I feel like I have a much better sense of the book in the second - and I'm really interested in reading it! But, is the book about Verity hunting down the boy who killed her? Or about learning how to handle her new power? Or kind of a self discovery?
What about: After Verity is murdered, she returns as a ghost bent on vengeance. But as her power grows and her body count spirals out of control she has to find a way to keep herself from becoming a monster herself.

(My only qualm here is that maybe you shouldn't use 'monster' figuratively when 'ghost' is used literally)

Jess said...

I think this revision is a huge improvement! I agree that the trajectory of the story is confusing, though--is her goal to harness her powers or get revenge, or both? If it's both, don't drop the revenge part at the end. If it isn't, then I'm not sure what the point of the story is. I'm not saying there isn't one, but I do want it to be made very clear.

Nicole Zoltack said...

The revision is definitely an improvement. I stumbled over 'purpose-made'.

When seventeen-year-old Verity is murdered by the boy she loves, she becomes a ghost bent on revenge. As her body-count rises and her powers spiral out of control, Verity must find a way to rein herself in or else she risks becoming more of a monster than the one she hunts.

Rachael Harrie said...

Thanks so much for your comments :) I've revised my new logline and posted it above (the old revised logline read as follows):

When seventeen-year-old Verity is murdered by the boy she loves, she becomes a ghost whose ability to burn her victims seems purpose-made for her mission of vengeance. However, Verity’s sanity is stretched to the limits as her body-count rises and her powers spiral out of control, and unless she finds a way to rein herself in she risks becoming more of a monster than the one she hunts.

PatEsden said...

I'm laughing. I read everyone's comments and couldn't see what they had to complain about. I think you've got it. Great revison and good luck.

One thought. I am not good with commas, but I think you might not need one after however.

Vicki Schultz said...

I like the new details you added to the new version--it makes me like Verity much more. Great work! Oh, and thanks so much for hosting this critique session!!!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm with Pat. This version is fab!!! I wouldn't change a thing. And this sounds like a great story. :D

Related Posts with Thumbnails