I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #1

TITLE: All's Fair
GENRE: YA Fantasy

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

All seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn of Savara wants is to avenge her betrothed, but refusing to marry the son of the king responsible for his death could lead to a war that devastates both their countries.

REVISED LOGLINE:

Seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn craves revenge after she is tortured and her betrothed killed by a neighboring king, but her plans are delayed when her father falls ill and her unmarried status leaves her ineligible to assume the throne---and though finding her betrothed alive should provide an easy solution, her mother's insistence that a royal wedding could prevent a devastating war forces Fawn to decide between her only love, whose loyalty is questionable after two years in the enemy's clutches, and the king's son, whose desire for peace runs as deep as her hatred of him and his country.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think this is now too long with too many details. It is also misleading because in the opening line we learn that her betrothed was killed and then (through some confusing details) we learn he is being held prisoner. I really like what you did in the tail end of the logline, though. What about:

When seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn learns that she must marry to take her father's place on the throne, she is forced to choose between her only love, whose loyalty is questionable after two years in her enemy's clutches, and her enemy's son, whose desire for peace runs as deep as her hatred of him and his country.

Huntress said...

**groan**

As I posted on MSFV,I really liked the first version. As a writer and reader of fantasy, I have no trouble understanding the mood, scene, and emotions in your world.

I think the TMI rule should apply to pitches and your cool storyline gets bogged down in the second version.

I vote for the first but would add about 8-10 additional words to increase the tension/hook.

Colene Murphy said...

I love the story and the idea and the way you word it all but I was a bit distracted by the hugely long sentence. While everything about it sounds wonderful and I would love to read this book, I just don't know about the length.

#1's Writer said...

I agree with you guys that it's too long. I'll work on it some more. Thank you for your help!

Nicole Zoltack said...

Wow, anon's version is great! I agree that the second version is bogged down by too many details.

PatEsden said...

I agree that the second version is too long and complex. But I do like 'Seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn craves revenge after she is tortured' because it shows that your main characters is unique and strong. However after reading anon's version (which I really like), I suspect the addition of the torture and revenge may be what caused the second version to become overly complex.

I suggest you play a bit more and see if you can include the revenge and torture, but if it makes the logline too complex, then cut it in favor of simplicity.

DJ said...

It's so hard. To keep it short, we cut out details posters crave, but if we add too much, then it's too long! Ugh! I'd go with the original, which I think is good, but maybe add a few words to spice it up? I really can't think because right now I'm just so relieved her hunny bunny is alive, being a romantic and all. I was hoping for a happy ending 'cause I want to read this one!

Rachael Harrie said...

Hi, I really like Anonymous's suggested revision, but I do agree with Pat that being tortured/craves revenge is a strong point. What about, "When 17 y/o Princess Fawn is tortured by a neighboring king, the need for her to marry and secure the succession forces Fawn to choose between her only love, whose loyalty is questionable after two years in the king's clutches, and the king's son, whose desire for peace runs as deep as Fawn's hatred of him and his country." You could probably split that into 2 sentences for the Auction...

Whichever way you go, I think you should have "choose" rather than "decide" - it flows better IMHO.

Hope this helps,

Rach

#1's Writer said...

I think I've got it! I don't know if I should repost here or not, but all your ideas really, really helped a lot. Thank you!

TracyA said...

I'm late to the critique but liked Anon's version and would like to see your revision if you could post it again.

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