I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #23

TITLE: Adventures of a Teenage Demigoddess
GENRE: MG Fantasy

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

Ninth-grader Morgaina England learns she's a demigoddess and must fly through time and space on a magical horse to the sky palace of Odin, "The Terrible One," Father of the Gods, to save his most precious possession; if she fails, she loses all her new-found powers and her father will be tortured for a thousand years.

REVISED LOGLINE:

It's spooky when your mother's ghost sends you on a mission through time and space to Valhalla to help the Norse god of War and Death with only a magical horse and her sword and brooch for
protection, because now I have to masquerade as a blood-thirsty Valkyrie to win admission to the Palace of Dead Warriors in the sky. If I fail to rescue the god's daughter from kidnappers, he'll rampage Earth for them, and I, Morgaina Fearghille, will have to cook and wash
all the dishes at the orphanage for five years until I turn eighteen.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like the voice you infused in the revision, but I like the first version much better. Keep it in third person, present tense and cut back on the details. Why is Morgaina the only one who can save Odin's daughter? Example:

When ninth-grader Morgaina discovers she's a demigoddess--and that only she can save the Norse god of war and death's daughter--she must master her powers over____ or else___.

Hope that helps. Best of luck!

PatEsden said...

I like the first sentence in the new version better, but I agree that the logline should be kept in third person, present tense.

To tighten it up, I think you need to trust that the agents know who Odin is and what Valkyrie are and cut the magical gifts she gets. I think the main conflict (Morgaina and Odin vs. the kidnappers) is a bit hidden by the details and discriptions of cool stuff.

In the second version it's clear that Morgaina is helping Odin--that detail helped me understand the story better.

DJ said...

Too long, not that I should talk since I do the same thing! The story excites me, but maybe if we cut down to:

When ninth-grader Morgaina learns she's a demigoddess, she must fly through time and space to complete a dangerous mission, or her father will be tortured and she will lose all her new-found powers.

Great story and love the title!

Sue said...

I think the first version is better too-more concise.

You could cut out a few words from the beginning as well: "Ninth-grade demigoddess Morgaina has to fly..."

Good luck

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I think your first version is much better. It's concise and written in third person. Exactly how it's supposed to be. It grabbed my attention. Your revised version lost me. Study Holly Bodger's posts on loglines. She had tons of great info. I ended up rewriting my, again, because of it.

You need a different title. If this is a MG book, then why does the title have 'teenager' in it? I know she's thirteen, which is fine for late MG, but when I saw your title, I thought the book was YA.

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