I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #11

TITLE: Across Two Universes
GENRE: Science Fiction

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

When aspiring actor Paul discovers after his mother's murder he's the clone of a TwenCen rock star, he fears his mother was killed to force him into music. To trick the murderer into confessing, Paul must travel to an alternate universe to learn how to impersonate the rock star, even if he risks not only his own identity, but his life.

REVISED LOGLINE:

Paul discovers his obsessed great-uncle had him cloned from their Twen-Cen rock star ancestor, then had his mother was killed to make Paul's life follow the rock star's. To achieve justice, Paul must confront his great-uncle disguised as their ancestor before he attacks someone else Paul loves, but he must first travel to an alternate universe to save his ancestor from assassination.

3 comments:

Jess said...

First, be sure to proofread carefully: "then had his mother was killed" can't be right.

I'm confused by the end of your revised version. In the first version, you say he has to travel to learn to impersonate the rock star, which makes sense if he has to appear in the guise of the rock star to defeat his uncle. But now, there's the assassination attempt to consider. How does that fit in?

Otherwise, though, the added specificity works well. I do like the revised version, I'm just a little confused by the extra plot details.

PatEsden said...

The first sentence of your new version is great--it really clarified the story for me.

I actually think the second sentence of the first version is stronger and clear than the new one.

I suggest you try combining the two version and see what happens.

The story sound really cool.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

This can be tightened.

After Paul discovers his great uncle had cloned him from his Twen-Cen rock star ancestor and killed his mother, Paul must travel to an alternate universe to save his ancestor from assassination before his uncle can killed someone else Paul loves.

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