I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #25

TITLE: Lost in a Heartbeat
GENRE: YA romantic suspense

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

After a stalker assaulted seventeen-year-old Calleigh, she’s forced to keep silent about what happened—screwing up her chance to heal—or else the psycho will kill her BFF. But as she falls for her new friend, Aaron, she discovers they’re linked in a way she could never have imagined—a connection that could be deadly for Calleigh.

REVISED LOGLINE:

After a stalker assaults seventeen-year-old Calleigh and threatens to kill her best friend if she tells anyone, she struggles to feel normal again so she can hide the truth. The new boy she meets just might help her do that—or he may be a direct link to the very thing she wants to forget.

10 comments:

Elena Solodow said...

Nice turnaround!

Huntress said...

The revision is much better but I think some of the words can be cut. For example:

Cut-(again so she can hide the truth)

The new boy she meets (Cut-just) might help her (cut-do that) (add-heal)or he may be a direct link to the very thing she wants to forget

Mary Mary said...

I was just wondering if you'd picked a winner for the second crusader challenge, yet? I'm curious to know who the fan favorite turned out to be. ☺

Joanna St. James said...

oh yeah the 2nd one is way way clearer

Anonymous said...

Nice progress, and it sounds like a great story. Not crazy about "feel normal again so she can hide the truth." Is that her main goal? Also, I thought the stakes seemed higher in the first version-- "deadly." How about:

After a stalker assaults seventeen-year-old Calleigh, she must hide the truth from everyone, including her best friend--who would become the next victim--and the new boy she falls for--who might be the deadliest connection of all.

Kiki Hamilton said...

I liked your revision! How about this:

Assaulted by a stalker who threatens to kill her best friend if she reveals the truth, Calleigh struggles to maintain a facade of normalcy. Will Aaron - the new boy she can't stop thinking about - be her savior or the death of her?

Sorry! I couldn't help myself - it's like a word game. :-) I think we can forever tweak these things searching for the right combo of words...

PatEsden said...

I like the revision, but I think you need to clarify what sort of assault. I can guess, but whether it is rape and beaten or just beaten changes the strength of the story and the implications.

The mystery and tension is great.

PatEsden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DJ said...

The second version is better, but I like some of the comments others listed to fine-tune. I like Kiki's version, although I think we're not supposed to use questions, and I agree that "deadly" is much stronger than "what she wants to forget". It's close, and perhaps utilizing tips from the posters will help you make it perfect. And the plot sounds good, so way to go!

Anonymous said...

I'm confused...does that mean the boyfriend's the stalker?

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