I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #5

TITLE: The Persephone Paradox
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

When 17-year-old Zoe attempts suicide to escape her stepfather's abuse, The Fates send a demi-angel to lead her to her true destiny. But if she can't discover her own worth and learn to wield the powers she inherited as a daughter of the goddess Persephone, then the evil Greek god who has targeted her soul will use Zoe to conquer humankind.

REVISED LOGLINE:

When seventeen-year-old Zoe learns that an evil Greek god and The Fates have been playing tug-of-war with her life—and that she's not just some freakish gardening prodigy but a daughter of the goddess of spring—she must master her powers over plant-life to win her independence or else become a weapon in her enemy’s plot against humankind

6 comments:

Jess said...

This is an improvement over the first. However, I'm still not totally sold on the stakes. I guess I don't see how mastering her powers over plant-life would help her win independence, especially since there's no indication that she's lost her independence except that the Gods are "playing tug-of-war with her life"--and I'm not really sure what that means. I can't tell if she or even humankind are in any real danger because there are no specifics.

I like the concept, I just want to be sure the stakes are there.

PatEsden said...

Great revision. I suggest you trust that agents are familar with Greek mythology and give the evil god's name. Also I suggest you swap and say what she is 'the goddess of spring first and then say she's not just a garden prodigy(I'd also cut the freak part to tighten).

I didn't have a problem with the stakes. I thought it was clear that if she didn't master her powers she'd become the god's weapon. I didn't feel the need to know what the plot against humans was.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Oh, wow! Love the revised version. I agree with Pat. Tell us who the god is--assuming that's not part of the climax. And I loved the freakish part because it gave the logline voice. ;)

Rachael Harrie said...

I'm a little bit undecided on this one, though I think there's a lot of voice in your revision. Where I'm torn is between Jess's comments and those of Pat. I guess there's such a leap between mastering powers over plant-life to gaining independence to saving humanity that I have a little huh? moment as I read. So I think I'm with Jess on this one. Is there any way you can give a bit more info on the significance of her powers?

Anonymous said...

Author #5 here. Thanks so much for your feedback!!! Here's another attempt:

When seventeen-year-old Zoe learns that an evil Greek god and The Fates have been playing tug-of-war with her life—and that she's not just some freakish gardening prodigy but a daughter of the goddess of spring—she must wield her life-giving powers with deadly force if she is to win her battle for independence or else become a weapon in her enemy’s plot against humankind.

It's pretty long, so I'll work on condensing it. The evil Greek god in question is Tartarus, and I decided to leave the name out because others found it distracting.

Thanks again for your help!!!

Adeeva Afsheen said...


Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)

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