I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #5

TITLE: The Persephone Paradox
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

When 17-year-old Zoe attempts suicide to escape her stepfather's abuse, The Fates send a demi-angel to lead her to her true destiny. But if she can't discover her own worth and learn to wield the powers she inherited as a daughter of the goddess Persephone, then the evil Greek god who has targeted her soul will use Zoe to conquer humankind.

REVISED LOGLINE:

When seventeen-year-old Zoe learns that an evil Greek god and The Fates have been playing tug-of-war with her life—and that she's not just some freakish gardening prodigy but a daughter of the goddess of spring—she must master her powers over plant-life to win her independence or else become a weapon in her enemy’s plot against humankind

5 comments:

Jess said...

This is an improvement over the first. However, I'm still not totally sold on the stakes. I guess I don't see how mastering her powers over plant-life would help her win independence, especially since there's no indication that she's lost her independence except that the Gods are "playing tug-of-war with her life"--and I'm not really sure what that means. I can't tell if she or even humankind are in any real danger because there are no specifics.

I like the concept, I just want to be sure the stakes are there.

PatEsden said...

Great revision. I suggest you trust that agents are familar with Greek mythology and give the evil god's name. Also I suggest you swap and say what she is 'the goddess of spring first and then say she's not just a garden prodigy(I'd also cut the freak part to tighten).

I didn't have a problem with the stakes. I thought it was clear that if she didn't master her powers she'd become the god's weapon. I didn't feel the need to know what the plot against humans was.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Oh, wow! Love the revised version. I agree with Pat. Tell us who the god is--assuming that's not part of the climax. And I loved the freakish part because it gave the logline voice. ;)

Rachael Harrie said...

I'm a little bit undecided on this one, though I think there's a lot of voice in your revision. Where I'm torn is between Jess's comments and those of Pat. I guess there's such a leap between mastering powers over plant-life to gaining independence to saving humanity that I have a little huh? moment as I read. So I think I'm with Jess on this one. Is there any way you can give a bit more info on the significance of her powers?

Anonymous said...

Author #5 here. Thanks so much for your feedback!!! Here's another attempt:

When seventeen-year-old Zoe learns that an evil Greek god and The Fates have been playing tug-of-war with her life—and that she's not just some freakish gardening prodigy but a daughter of the goddess of spring—she must wield her life-giving powers with deadly force if she is to win her battle for independence or else become a weapon in her enemy’s plot against humankind.

It's pretty long, so I'll work on condensing it. The evil Greek god in question is Tartarus, and I decided to leave the name out because others found it distracting.

Thanks again for your help!!!

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