I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #7

TITLE: The Magic Withheld
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

Justus is an expert at hiding in plain sight. He is a Wilder, an unrestrained mage, and the Imperium, a secret guild of wizards wants all of them leashed. Hiring a troubled adept linked to the guild is his first mistake. Falling in love with her is the second.

REVISED LOGLINE:

After the guild of wizards discovers his clandestine magical talent, Justus must choose between surrendering his freedom to them or use his magic to fight. Either way, he will lose what he values most and gain a power he did not want.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ooh, sounds like a great story! Not sure you need the words "choose between" because it's implied. I think you need to say what it is he values most or the reader has no idea of the stakes. I like the "gain a power he did not want" part.

Best of luck!

Jess said...

Real quick, a tense issue: if you say "surrendering," you should use "using" too.

Beyond that, I don't know what the stakes are. You say he has to make a choice, but then use "either way" which implies to me that no matter which choice he makes, the result will be the same--and that's no fun. That takes the tension out of the choice. Is there a way to recast this so that the stakes are revealed and the tension is increased?

PatEsden said...

I'm assuming what he values the most is the guild adept. If that was clearer in the second version I think it would add strenght and make the romantic aspect of the story clearer. I agree with Jess that the tension is lost because it appears to be a no win situation.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

love the second version. I'm trying to think what you could do to improve it, but I think it's already good. The no win situation might be a problem. It's hard to tell from the logline.

Rachael Harrie said...

Hi, I like your revised version. I do agree with Jess's comments above. In addition, I wonder whether the first sentence might flow better if you use "secret" rather than "clandestine"? The longer word just introduces a "pause" as I read it, I found. Also, I think "did" should be "does" to keep to present tense.

I've been thinking about your second sentence as well, trying to come up with a way to avoid the "no choice" issue. What if you said, "After the guild of wizards discovers his secret magical talent, Justus must either surrender his freedom to them or use his magic to fight. Problem is, he risks losing the thing he values most--[love? insert whatever it is--in order to gain a power he does not want in the first place." Just a thought.

Hope that helps :)

Rach

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