I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #22

TITLE: Shorty
GENRE: Middle Grade

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

When seventh-grader Tom Sullivan’s growth plan (think green drinks and medieval torture racks) is plastered all over the school by class tough guy Pete Willowby, Tom snaps and embarks on a scheme to take the bully down. The consequences of Tom’s transformation from nice to nasty force him to choose who he really wants to be by executing his “Do or Die” plan—or what he suspects might really be “Do and Die”.

REVISED LOGLINE:

When seventh-grader Tom Sullivan’s growth plan (think green drinks and medieval torture racks) is plastered all over the school by class tough guy Pete Willowby, Tom snaps and embarks on a scheme to take the bully down. Things go wildly out of control and more than just the bully get hurt, convincing Tom that reversing his shocking transformation from nice to nasty requires the thing he fears the most—a face-to-face showdown with Willowby.

5 comments:

Huntress said...

Love the revision but I would cut non-essential info. Example:

When seventh-grader Tom’s growth plan (think green drinks and medieval torture racks) is plastered all over the school by Pete, he snaps and embarks on a scheme to take the bully down. But reversing from nice to nasty requires the thing he fears the most—showdown with Pete.

This gets it down to 48 words.

PatEsden said...

I'm glad you left the green drinks and racks in. I loved those details and they give an idea of tone.

I very much like Huntress' suggestions--though I'm not sure I'd cut the face-to-face.

DJ said...

Combine Huntress and Pat and you have the perfect logline!

Love this story!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Definitely go with what Huntress and Pat said, then your logline will rock.

This sounds like a great story. :D

Anonymous said...

I think Rachel Harrie says to only use the name of the MC, and I'm not sure the consequences are clear enough; could he be knocked down, sent to the hospital, shamed, something else.

Related Posts with Thumbnails