I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #19

TITLE: Johnny Steam
GENRE: YA Steampunk

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

When Johnny takes his steam bike for a midnight ride, his only goal is to escape the workhouse and his apprenticeship to the Dark Horse Mines. When he fires his coilgun to rescue Araminta from slavers, he thinks he's lost his escape, because her wounds require that she return to the workhouse. He doesn't know he's about to make a vow to rescue her little sister from the slavers. He doesn't know there's a war coming. And he certainly doesn't know that soon he'll have to choose between saving that girl, and his new life in the Clockwork Resistance.

REVISED LOGLINE:

Johnny may be a 16 year old workhouse orphan, but when makes a vow, he keeps it. And when he vows to find a little girl taken by slavers, he intends to find her even though he's been recruited to the Clockwork Resistance, even though there's a civil war coming, and even though the heads of both nations of England try to stand in his way.

4 comments:

Huntress said...

I like the second but would cut it down to the minimum. Example:

When workhouse orphan Johnny swears to find a little girl taken by slavers, he vows nothing will stop him. Not even the imperial heads of England.

This is 26 words and it could use 14-16 more words to flesh it out.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. Too much going on here, I think. Perhaps call the Clockwork Resistance something more descriptive since the reader has no idea what that is or why it's important. I'm having trouble re-working this, but something like:

When a 16-year-old workhouse orphan vows to rescue a girl taken by slavers, he risks his new role in the civil war Resistance. But if he doesn't save her, then ______ will happen.

Not sure if that's helpful. Best of luck!

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I like the beginning set out by Huntress. You need to keep the mc's name in there. I'm not sure if being recruited by the Clockwork Resistance is a good thing or not. If it is, then anon's suggestion is good. The 'not even the imperial heads of England' is good, but it doesn't tell us what the consequence is if he fails to save her. Bring that into the logline and it will be much stronger.

Anonymous said...

not sure inciting incident is strong enough: was she his best friend? confidante? owe him money? take his pet monkey?

not sure consequences are clear enough: will he be beheaded, forced to trek to Africa, lose his I-pod?

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