tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post8616042212511787346..comments2024-03-09T06:15:04.254-05:00Comments on Rach Writes...: Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #18Rachael Harriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-47855060974789155682016-02-09T03:13:55.879-05:002016-02-09T03:13:55.879-05:00Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life an...<br />Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)<br /><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/trK0iA" rel="nofollow">Atasi Komedo Anda Dengan Masker Putih Telur</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Sqt8Nv" rel="nofollow">Tips Untuk Menyehatkan Dan Menyegarkan Tubuh Secara Alami</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/xcNtIi" rel="nofollow">Obat Kuat Alami Untuk Suami</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/CeGP9Z" rel="nofollow">Cara Hidup Sehat Untuk Penderita Kolesterol</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Ky0QHY" rel="nofollow">Obat Leher Kaku Dan Sakit</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/0QZJJQ" rel="nofollow">Vitamin Yang Bagus Untuk Penambah Nafsu Makan Anak</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/5znkUN" rel="nofollow">Obat Pilek Menahun Untuk Ibu Hamil</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/yBzJCG" rel="nofollow">Obat Alami Pemutih Lutut Dan Siku Yang Hitam</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/zpC4MM" rel="nofollow">Cegah Penyakit Diabetes Dengan Jalan Kaki Selama Dua Menit</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/TFOkcH" rel="nofollow">Teh Herbal Pelangsing Untuk Menurunkan Berat Badan</a> <br /><a href="http;//goo.gl/CkeRFp" rel="nofollow">Cara Alami Agar Kulit Bersih Dan Mulus</a> <br />aisyahputrisetiawanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03192442695534733153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-69274682046803682502010-11-15T10:50:55.911-05:002010-11-15T10:50:55.911-05:00Newer version:
As a paranorm with the ability to ...Newer version:<br /><br />As a paranorm with the ability to create and hide in shadows, Lorna struggles to find her father’s murderer but is torn between duty and love when she falls for her latest target. The Paranormal Intelligence Agency wants to use Lorna and her powers to kill an innocent person – if Lorna accepts, they’ll tell her who murdered her father, but then Lorna’s chance at love will pass her by.Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-2904880666700640722010-11-11T23:14:11.799-05:002010-11-11T23:14:11.799-05:00Big improvement. I agree with the others. You need...Big improvement. I agree with the others. You need to tell us the consequence of her failing to avenge her father's death, especially since revenge is rarely a good thing in the first place.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-71727207338805653742010-11-11T21:05:47.009-05:002010-11-11T21:05:47.009-05:00The revised version is better for sure.
I'm s...The revised version is better for sure.<br /><br />I'm still wondering though, what the connection is between avenging her father's death and falling for her newest target. Was the target involved in killing her father? I think you have to show what the link is between the two for us to better understand her dilemma.Suenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-78580675384449466712010-11-11T20:53:52.609-05:002010-11-11T20:53:52.609-05:00Great revision!!! Love it! Now do mine!!!Great revision!!! Love it! Now do mine!!!DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-37185445439827723932010-11-11T20:01:40.751-05:002010-11-11T20:01:40.751-05:00I suggest you change your genre to one you would f...I suggest you change your genre to one you would find on the shelf at a bookstore. The logline shows the romance, so you could simply call it urban fantasy. <br /><br />The second version is stronger and cooler because you say what her abilities are, but how about adding one more short sentence that tells what will happen if she fails to kill the target?Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-82459902200803193252010-11-11T12:29:49.311-05:002010-11-11T12:29:49.311-05:00I've been staring at this comment window for a...I've been staring at this comment window for a few minutes now. The revision sounds good and I'd totally read this story, but there's still something missing, and I think I agree with Anonymous: I don't really know what the stakes are. They're deeply personal to Lorna, but I don't yet know why I should care. Make me care. :)Jessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-39445217484793287632010-11-11T11:34:05.650-05:002010-11-11T11:34:05.650-05:00This sounds like a great story, but what's at ...This sounds like a great story, but what's at stake if she doesn't succeed in her goal to avenge her father's death?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com