I write stuff for kids...and muse on writing, children's books, and the publishing industry in general

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #2

TITLE: Crossing Dark Water
GENRE: YA paranormal thriller

ORIGINAL LOGLINE:

When a Jeep loving girl who's hooked on off-roading sets out to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital, she collides with a secret cartel that deals in magic--and must risk her own sanity to save her sister's.

REVISED LOGLINE:

Risking her own sanity, a Jeep-loving girl puts the pedal to the metal to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital, where a secret cartel run by doctors deals in magic and patients are more likely to leave brain damaged than sane.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think this is now too long with too many details. It is also misleading because in the opening line we learn that her betrothed was killed and then (through some confusing details) we learn he is being held prisoner. I really like what you did in the tail end of the logline, though. What about:

When seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn learns that she must marry to take her father's place on the throne, she is forced to choose between her only love, whose loyalty is questionable after two years in her enemy's clutches, and her enemy's son, whose desire for peace runs as deep as her hatred of him and his country.

Anonymous said...

Oops, my bad. I posted the above comment on the wrong logine. I meant it for entrant #1 and will post it there.

Here goes comment for entrant #2: I liked your original logline better. The wording is a little awkward in the second half of the new sentence. Also, pedal to the metal is a cliche. How about:

When a Jeep-loving girl sets out to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital--where a cartel of doctors do more dealing of magic than healing of patients--she must risk her own sanity to save her sister's.

Colene Murphy said...

I reeeallly like the second one a lot! Fast, thrilling, and I feel like I just need to know what the heck happens.

Huntress said...

I like the first version but suggest cutting '...who's hooked on off-roading...'

Add her first name instead.

Otherwise, love the first one :)

Nicole Zoltack said...

I really like Anon's version.

DJ said...

I like them both, but I may like anon's version best. I just really like the plot!

Anonymous said...

Thanks everyone. I totally hadn't thought about the cliche issue and--though I do like the fast feel it gives the logline--it's not worth the risk.

How about this? Doe this still retain the feeling of speed and clarify who the cartel is?

When a Jeep-loving girl sets out to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital, she collides with a cartel of doctors that deal in magic—-and must risk her own sanity to save her sister’s.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I loved your second version. Your new one is good too. It doesn't have the voice the second one has, but I guess that's because you had to remove the cliched part. Sigh. Too bad.

Rachael Harrie said...

Hi, I thought both loglines were great. One comment I had on your revised logline was that you started in the wrong place ("Risking her sanity"), but that issue's been fixed in your new version in the comments above.

A couple of grammar points (and I'm by no means an expert on grammar, so double-check this ok). Should "cartel of doctors that" be "cartel of doctors who"??? I thought the "who" sounded better. Also, I'm struggling with the last part after the dash, in that it is grammatically correct if you don't have the dash there, but it sounds a little odd with the dash. I wonder if part of the problem is the "and must", particularly since her name isn't mentioned. Just a thought, be interested if anyone else thinks this is an issue...

Can you put her name in and still keep "jeep-loving", maybe, "When jeep-loving [name]..."???

Hope this helps.

Rach

Anonymous said...

Oops. The that should be a who!
I toss and turned all night about the pedal to the metal part. I'm not sure if it's cliche or more of a commonly used term. I added it because it is the term the character would use--aka voice. I disagreed about using her name because I thought it would slow the pace, but when I tried it, I decided it did work better. What do you think?


When Jeep-loving Haley puts the pedal to the metal to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital, she collides with a cartel of doctors who deal in magic—-and must risk her own sanity to save her sister’s.

Sue said...

I really like your last revision here. Using Haley's name made it a lot more personal. Pedal to the medal works for me because it really does add some speed and urgency to the story. If you could think of another way to express that that's perhaps more fresh it would be even better. Sounds like a great story.

TracyA said...

I have to admit that I've like all versions. I do think this last one works very well (and I think it's a good call keeping "pedal to the metal.")

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