TITLE: Lost in a Heartbeat
GENRE: YA romantic suspense
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
After a stalker assaulted seventeen-year-old Calleigh, she’s forced to keep silent about what happened—screwing up her chance to heal—or else the psycho will kill her BFF. But as she falls for her new friend, Aaron, she discovers they’re linked in a way she could never have imagined—a connection that could be deadly for Calleigh.
REVISED LOGLINE:
After a stalker assaults seventeen-year-old Calleigh and threatens to kill her best friend if she tells anyone, she struggles to feel normal again so she can hide the truth. The new boy she meets just might help her do that—or he may be a direct link to the very thing she wants to forget.
Showing posts with label Miss Snark's First Victim. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miss Snark's First Victim. Show all posts
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #23
TITLE: Adventures of a Teenage Demigoddess
GENRE: MG Fantasy
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
Ninth-grader Morgaina England learns she's a demigoddess and must fly through time and space on a magical horse to the sky palace of Odin, "The Terrible One," Father of the Gods, to save his most precious possession; if she fails, she loses all her new-found powers and her father will be tortured for a thousand years.
REVISED LOGLINE:
It's spooky when your mother's ghost sends you on a mission through time and space to Valhalla to help the Norse god of War and Death with only a magical horse and her sword and brooch for
protection, because now I have to masquerade as a blood-thirsty Valkyrie to win admission to the Palace of Dead Warriors in the sky. If I fail to rescue the god's daughter from kidnappers, he'll rampage Earth for them, and I, Morgaina Fearghille, will have to cook and wash
all the dishes at the orphanage for five years until I turn eighteen.
GENRE: MG Fantasy
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
Ninth-grader Morgaina England learns she's a demigoddess and must fly through time and space on a magical horse to the sky palace of Odin, "The Terrible One," Father of the Gods, to save his most precious possession; if she fails, she loses all her new-found powers and her father will be tortured for a thousand years.
REVISED LOGLINE:
It's spooky when your mother's ghost sends you on a mission through time and space to Valhalla to help the Norse god of War and Death with only a magical horse and her sword and brooch for
protection, because now I have to masquerade as a blood-thirsty Valkyrie to win admission to the Palace of Dead Warriors in the sky. If I fail to rescue the god's daughter from kidnappers, he'll rampage Earth for them, and I, Morgaina Fearghille, will have to cook and wash
all the dishes at the orphanage for five years until I turn eighteen.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #22
TITLE: Shorty
GENRE: Middle Grade
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When seventh-grader Tom Sullivan’s growth plan (think green drinks and medieval torture racks) is plastered all over the school by class tough guy Pete Willowby, Tom snaps and embarks on a scheme to take the bully down. The consequences of Tom’s transformation from nice to nasty force him to choose who he really wants to be by executing his “Do or Die” plan—or what he suspects might really be “Do and Die”.
REVISED LOGLINE:
When seventh-grader Tom Sullivan’s growth plan (think green drinks and medieval torture racks) is plastered all over the school by class tough guy Pete Willowby, Tom snaps and embarks on a scheme to take the bully down. Things go wildly out of control and more than just the bully get hurt, convincing Tom that reversing his shocking transformation from nice to nasty requires the thing he fears the most—a face-to-face showdown with Willowby.
GENRE: Middle Grade
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When seventh-grader Tom Sullivan’s growth plan (think green drinks and medieval torture racks) is plastered all over the school by class tough guy Pete Willowby, Tom snaps and embarks on a scheme to take the bully down. The consequences of Tom’s transformation from nice to nasty force him to choose who he really wants to be by executing his “Do or Die” plan—or what he suspects might really be “Do and Die”.
REVISED LOGLINE:
When seventh-grader Tom Sullivan’s growth plan (think green drinks and medieval torture racks) is plastered all over the school by class tough guy Pete Willowby, Tom snaps and embarks on a scheme to take the bully down. Things go wildly out of control and more than just the bully get hurt, convincing Tom that reversing his shocking transformation from nice to nasty requires the thing he fears the most—a face-to-face showdown with Willowby.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #19
TITLE: Johnny Steam
GENRE: YA Steampunk
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When Johnny takes his steam bike for a midnight ride, his only goal is to escape the workhouse and his apprenticeship to the Dark Horse Mines. When he fires his coilgun to rescue Araminta from slavers, he thinks he's lost his escape, because her wounds require that she return to the workhouse. He doesn't know he's about to make a vow to rescue her little sister from the slavers. He doesn't know there's a war coming. And he certainly doesn't know that soon he'll have to choose between saving that girl, and his new life in the Clockwork Resistance.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Johnny may be a 16 year old workhouse orphan, but when makes a vow, he keeps it. And when he vows to find a little girl taken by slavers, he intends to find her even though he's been recruited to the Clockwork Resistance, even though there's a civil war coming, and even though the heads of both nations of England try to stand in his way.
GENRE: YA Steampunk
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When Johnny takes his steam bike for a midnight ride, his only goal is to escape the workhouse and his apprenticeship to the Dark Horse Mines. When he fires his coilgun to rescue Araminta from slavers, he thinks he's lost his escape, because her wounds require that she return to the workhouse. He doesn't know he's about to make a vow to rescue her little sister from the slavers. He doesn't know there's a war coming. And he certainly doesn't know that soon he'll have to choose between saving that girl, and his new life in the Clockwork Resistance.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Johnny may be a 16 year old workhouse orphan, but when makes a vow, he keeps it. And when he vows to find a little girl taken by slavers, he intends to find her even though he's been recruited to the Clockwork Resistance, even though there's a civil war coming, and even though the heads of both nations of England try to stand in his way.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #18
TITLE: Hidden in Shadows
GENRE: Urban fantasy with romance elements
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
As assassin Lorna hunts for her father's murderer, she struggles to master her newfound shadow power. But enacting her revenge would destroy any chance Lorna has of living a happy life when she falls for a target, leaving Lorna torn between murder and love.
REVISED LOGLINE:
As a paranorm with the ability to create and hide in shadows, assassin Lorna grows closer to avenging her father's death but is torn between duty and love when she falls for her latest target.
GENRE: Urban fantasy with romance elements
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
As assassin Lorna hunts for her father's murderer, she struggles to master her newfound shadow power. But enacting her revenge would destroy any chance Lorna has of living a happy life when she falls for a target, leaving Lorna torn between murder and love.
REVISED LOGLINE:
As a paranorm with the ability to create and hide in shadows, assassin Lorna grows closer to avenging her father's death but is torn between duty and love when she falls for her latest target.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #11
TITLE: Across Two Universes
GENRE: Science Fiction
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When aspiring actor Paul discovers after his mother's murder he's the clone of a TwenCen rock star, he fears his mother was killed to force him into music. To trick the murderer into confessing, Paul must travel to an alternate universe to learn how to impersonate the rock star, even if he risks not only his own identity, but his life.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Paul discovers his obsessed great-uncle had him cloned from their Twen-Cen rock star ancestor, then had his mother was killed to make Paul's life follow the rock star's. To achieve justice, Paul must confront his great-uncle disguised as their ancestor before he attacks someone else Paul loves, but he must first travel to an alternate universe to save his ancestor from assassination.
GENRE: Science Fiction
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When aspiring actor Paul discovers after his mother's murder he's the clone of a TwenCen rock star, he fears his mother was killed to force him into music. To trick the murderer into confessing, Paul must travel to an alternate universe to learn how to impersonate the rock star, even if he risks not only his own identity, but his life.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Paul discovers his obsessed great-uncle had him cloned from their Twen-Cen rock star ancestor, then had his mother was killed to make Paul's life follow the rock star's. To achieve justice, Paul must confront his great-uncle disguised as their ancestor before he attacks someone else Paul loves, but he must first travel to an alternate universe to save his ancestor from assassination.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #8
TITLE: Bird Brain
GENRE: Contemporary Middle-Grade
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
Simon, a great birder and not-so-good baseball player, makes a deal to play catcher in the big tournament in exchange for his teammates joining his bird-a-thon team, but misplaces his birding zen as he becomes obsessed with winning the bird-a-thon.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Bird-lover Simon wants to win the bird-a-thon competition for his hospitalized mentor but as his last-minute team struggles to tell the difference between chickadees and turkey vultures, he gets an inside tip on a rare bird sighting. Simon must decide whether to publicize the information or use it to his team's advantage as he sorts through what it means to be a winner and how to best honor his mentor.
GENRE: Contemporary Middle-Grade
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
Simon, a great birder and not-so-good baseball player, makes a deal to play catcher in the big tournament in exchange for his teammates joining his bird-a-thon team, but misplaces his birding zen as he becomes obsessed with winning the bird-a-thon.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Bird-lover Simon wants to win the bird-a-thon competition for his hospitalized mentor but as his last-minute team struggles to tell the difference between chickadees and turkey vultures, he gets an inside tip on a rare bird sighting. Simon must decide whether to publicize the information or use it to his team's advantage as he sorts through what it means to be a winner and how to best honor his mentor.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #7
TITLE: The Magic Withheld
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
Justus is an expert at hiding in plain sight. He is a Wilder, an unrestrained mage, and the Imperium, a secret guild of wizards wants all of them leashed. Hiring a troubled adept linked to the guild is his first mistake. Falling in love with her is the second.
REVISED LOGLINE:
After the guild of wizards discovers his clandestine magical talent, Justus must choose between surrendering his freedom to them or use his magic to fight. Either way, he will lose what he values most and gain a power he did not want.
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
Justus is an expert at hiding in plain sight. He is a Wilder, an unrestrained mage, and the Imperium, a secret guild of wizards wants all of them leashed. Hiring a troubled adept linked to the guild is his first mistake. Falling in love with her is the second.
REVISED LOGLINE:
After the guild of wizards discovers his clandestine magical talent, Justus must choose between surrendering his freedom to them or use his magic to fight. Either way, he will lose what he values most and gain a power he did not want.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #6
TITLE: Ghost River
GENRE: Paranormal Mystery
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
Suddenly unemployed, Veronica jumps at the chance to save money and grab some R & R by house-sitting a home on a peaceful country river, but she soon finds out nature isn't as quiet as it seems when ghosts start to appear in her bedroom, the wrong man sets her hormones on fire, and a body floats in with the tide. Convinced her friend is being framed for the murder, Veronica uses clues from the ghosts and help from the hot guy to search for the real killer, completely unaware he wants to find her first.
REVISED LOGLINE:
When the ghost of a nun tells Veronica she signed an agreement in a former life to help lost souls earn their way to the next spiritual level, Veronica must use clues from the ghosts to prove a friend is innocent of murder and find a missing girl, all while fighting her feelings for an engaged man and running from a possible killer.
GENRE: Paranormal Mystery
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
Suddenly unemployed, Veronica jumps at the chance to save money and grab some R & R by house-sitting a home on a peaceful country river, but she soon finds out nature isn't as quiet as it seems when ghosts start to appear in her bedroom, the wrong man sets her hormones on fire, and a body floats in with the tide. Convinced her friend is being framed for the murder, Veronica uses clues from the ghosts and help from the hot guy to search for the real killer, completely unaware he wants to find her first.
REVISED LOGLINE:
When the ghost of a nun tells Veronica she signed an agreement in a former life to help lost souls earn their way to the next spiritual level, Veronica must use clues from the ghosts to prove a friend is innocent of murder and find a missing girl, all while fighting her feelings for an engaged man and running from a possible killer.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #5
TITLE: The Persephone Paradox
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When 17-year-old Zoe attempts suicide to escape her stepfather's abuse, The Fates send a demi-angel to lead her to her true destiny. But if she can't discover her own worth and learn to wield the powers she inherited as a daughter of the goddess Persephone, then the evil Greek god who has targeted her soul will use Zoe to conquer humankind.
REVISED LOGLINE:
When seventeen-year-old Zoe learns that an evil Greek god and The Fates have been playing tug-of-war with her life—and that she's not just some freakish gardening prodigy but a daughter of the goddess of spring—she must master her powers over plant-life to win her independence or else become a weapon in her enemy’s plot against humankind
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When 17-year-old Zoe attempts suicide to escape her stepfather's abuse, The Fates send a demi-angel to lead her to her true destiny. But if she can't discover her own worth and learn to wield the powers she inherited as a daughter of the goddess Persephone, then the evil Greek god who has targeted her soul will use Zoe to conquer humankind.
REVISED LOGLINE:
When seventeen-year-old Zoe learns that an evil Greek god and The Fates have been playing tug-of-war with her life—and that she's not just some freakish gardening prodigy but a daughter of the goddess of spring—she must master her powers over plant-life to win her independence or else become a weapon in her enemy’s plot against humankind
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #4
TITLE: From The Other Side
GENRE: YA Horror
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she awakens to find herself filled with uncontrollable rages and an unquenchable desire for vengeance. And if she doesn’t find a way to harness her hatred and her deadly new powers---soon---she won’t be able to stop killing, not even the one person who may save her.
REVISED LOGLINE:
When seventeen-year-old Verity is murdered by the boy she loves, she becomes a ghost whose ability to burn her victims seems purpose-made for her mission of vengeance. However, the search for her killer and an increasing body-count stretch Verity’s sanity to the limits, and unless she finds a way to regain control more innocent people will die, including the one person with the power to save her from herself.
GENRE: YA Horror
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she awakens to find herself filled with uncontrollable rages and an unquenchable desire for vengeance. And if she doesn’t find a way to harness her hatred and her deadly new powers---soon---she won’t be able to stop killing, not even the one person who may save her.
REVISED LOGLINE:
When seventeen-year-old Verity is murdered by the boy she loves, she becomes a ghost whose ability to burn her victims seems purpose-made for her mission of vengeance. However, the search for her killer and an increasing body-count stretch Verity’s sanity to the limits, and unless she finds a way to regain control more innocent people will die, including the one person with the power to save her from herself.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #3
TITLE: Gombay Dust
GENRE: Fantasy-Allegorical tale
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When a principal Wind-God is given a crucial order, which will save his rapidly deteriorating Community, he struggles with whether to obey at once, or follow his conscience and manipulate the command to help his three young daughters gain immortality. If he chooses the latter, he will have to, among other things, sabotage his only son, and accept deadly consequences.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Torn between a vow and duty, a love-struck Wind-God chooses to help his daughters gain power instead of following an order by The Source. His decision to disobey could mean interfering with the evolution of his community and risks sabotaging his only son’s legacy.
GENRE: Fantasy-Allegorical tale
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When a principal Wind-God is given a crucial order, which will save his rapidly deteriorating Community, he struggles with whether to obey at once, or follow his conscience and manipulate the command to help his three young daughters gain immortality. If he chooses the latter, he will have to, among other things, sabotage his only son, and accept deadly consequences.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Torn between a vow and duty, a love-struck Wind-God chooses to help his daughters gain power instead of following an order by The Source. His decision to disobey could mean interfering with the evolution of his community and risks sabotaging his only son’s legacy.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #2
TITLE: Crossing Dark Water
GENRE: YA paranormal thriller
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When a Jeep loving girl who's hooked on off-roading sets out to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital, she collides with a secret cartel that deals in magic--and must risk her own sanity to save her sister's.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Risking her own sanity, a Jeep-loving girl puts the pedal to the metal to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital, where a secret cartel run by doctors deals in magic and patients are more likely to leave brain damaged than sane.
GENRE: YA paranormal thriller
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
When a Jeep loving girl who's hooked on off-roading sets out to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital, she collides with a secret cartel that deals in magic--and must risk her own sanity to save her sister's.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Risking her own sanity, a Jeep-loving girl puts the pedal to the metal to free her sister from a mountaintop mental hospital, where a secret cartel run by doctors deals in magic and patients are more likely to leave brain damaged than sane.
Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #1
TITLE: All's Fair
GENRE: YA Fantasy
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
All seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn of Savara wants is to avenge her betrothed, but refusing to marry the son of the king responsible for his death could lead to a war that devastates both their countries.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn craves revenge after she is tortured and her betrothed killed by a neighboring king, but her plans are delayed when her father falls ill and her unmarried status leaves her ineligible to assume the throne---and though finding her betrothed alive should provide an easy solution, her mother's insistence that a royal wedding could prevent a devastating war forces Fawn to decide between her only love, whose loyalty is questionable after two years in the enemy's clutches, and the king's son, whose desire for peace runs as deep as her hatred of him and his country.
GENRE: YA Fantasy
ORIGINAL LOGLINE:
All seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn of Savara wants is to avenge her betrothed, but refusing to marry the son of the king responsible for his death could lead to a war that devastates both their countries.
REVISED LOGLINE:
Seventeen-year-old Princess Fawn craves revenge after she is tortured and her betrothed killed by a neighboring king, but her plans are delayed when her father falls ill and her unmarried status leaves her ineligible to assume the throne---and though finding her betrothed alive should provide an easy solution, her mother's insistence that a royal wedding could prevent a devastating war forces Fawn to decide between her only love, whose loyalty is questionable after two years in the enemy's clutches, and the king's son, whose desire for peace runs as deep as her hatred of him and his country.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Logline Critiques, What Fun (And a Contest)!!!
I got such great input on my logline during the Second Logline Critique Session over at Miss Snark's First Victim that I've offered up my blog for those 25 entrants to have another go, in preparation for the December Baker's Dozen Auction (woot!). And to all my fabulous followers, keep reading 'cause I'm throwing in a little logline bonus prize of my own as well...
Second Logline Critique Session
Anyone who entered Authoress's Second Logline Critique Session is welcome to submit their revised logline on Rach Writes... for another round of critiquing. To my followers, feel free to review and comment if you wish, though please don't feel obliged to do so.
Those original entrants who would like their revised loglines posted for critique should email me at rachael[dot]harrie[at]gmail[dot]com by Wednesday, November 10, 2010. Please include in the email your title, genre, and number as assigned by Authoress PLUS your original logline AND your revised logline. That way we can easily see the changes you've made.
I'll post the critiques by their original numbers, each in a separate post, on Thursday, November 11, 2010. Original entrants, please comment on and critique as many of the revised loglines as you can, so everyone gets input on their revisions.
Can't wait to see what everyone has come up with!
A little logline critiquing contest for my fantastic followers
I know some of you tried out for Authoress's logline critiquing sessions but didn't get in. And others of you may have a few sentences lying in your computer folders that haven't yet seen the light of day. So, cause you all rock, I'm going to give away 3 logline critiques to 3 of you awesome peeps.
For this contest, loglines can be either one or two sentences (though keep in mind they are most often required to be one sentence). They can be for completed work or WIP. You don't need to be planning to enter the Baker's Dozen Auction either - it often helps to draft your logline soon after you start your WIP, so you can refer to it and keep yourself on track.
This contest is open to anyone who is a follower on Rach Writes... (ie your avatar appears under Followers on my sidebar). I'll pick the winners on Saturday, November 13, 2010. Leave me a comment in this post to enter, including your points and links. +2 for old followers, +1 for new followers, +3 for Tweeting, +5 for blogging about this contest.
Can't wait to see who wins!
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