tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post9115868959176227949..comments2024-03-09T06:15:04.254-05:00Comments on Rach Writes...: Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #23Rachael Harriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-57559109437043381572016-02-09T03:12:08.260-05:002016-02-09T03:12:08.260-05:00Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life an...<br />Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)<br /> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/4HVMX1" rel="nofollow">Macam Macam Fungsi Ginjal Dalam Tubuh Manusia</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/gHwo88" rel="nofollow">Cara Membuat Jamu Untuk Mengatasi Polip</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/vP2g8o" rel="nofollow">Atasi Komedo Dengan Baking Soda</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/yd2XGt" rel="nofollow">Hal Yang Bisa Menyebabkan Dan Mendatangkan Sembelit</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/s8TSC6" rel="nofollow">Bercak Putih Di Bagian Mulut Bisa Jadi Gejala Kanker Mulut</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/gzWMlu" rel="nofollow">Obat Penambah Gairah Untuk Pria</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/VwrvDx" rel="nofollow">Obat Menurunkan Serum Kolesterol</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/wU4Qb8" rel="nofollow">Obat Untuk Merangsang Saraf</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Kz1MPw" rel="nofollow">Obat Radang Gusi Bengkak</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/oVPMPM" rel="nofollow">Obat Penyakit HSP Herbal</a><br />aisyahputrisetiawanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03192442695534733153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-75062581730505562592010-11-11T22:46:46.485-05:002010-11-11T22:46:46.485-05:00I think your first version is much better. It'...I think your first version is much better. It's concise and written in third person. Exactly how it's supposed to be. It grabbed my attention. Your revised version lost me. Study Holly Bodger's posts on loglines. She had tons of great info. I ended up rewriting my, again, because of it. <br /><br />You need a different title. If this is a MG book, then why does the title have 'teenager' in it? I know she's thirteen, which is fine for late MG, but when I saw your title, I thought the book was YA.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-91731777084033805172010-11-11T20:53:20.575-05:002010-11-11T20:53:20.575-05:00I think the first version is better too-more conci...I think the first version is better too-more concise.<br /><br />You could cut out a few words from the beginning as well: "Ninth-grade demigoddess Morgaina has to fly..."<br /><br />Good luckSuenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-80656619697111623572010-11-11T20:36:03.390-05:002010-11-11T20:36:03.390-05:00Too long, not that I should talk since I do the sa...Too long, not that I should talk since I do the same thing! The story excites me, but maybe if we cut down to: <br /><br />When ninth-grader Morgaina learns she's a demigoddess, she must fly through time and space to complete a dangerous mission, or her father will be tortured and she will lose all her new-found powers.<br /><br />Great story and love the title!DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-8956332742114119042010-11-11T19:48:18.438-05:002010-11-11T19:48:18.438-05:00I like the first sentence in the new version bette...I like the first sentence in the new version better, but I agree that the logline should be kept in third person, present tense. <br /><br />To tighten it up, I think you need to trust that the agents know who Odin is and what Valkyrie are and cut the magical gifts she gets. I think the main conflict (Morgaina and Odin vs. the kidnappers) is a bit hidden by the details and discriptions of cool stuff.<br /><br />In the second version it's clear that Morgaina is helping Odin--that detail helped me understand the story better.Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-27525345688723278542010-11-11T11:41:57.839-05:002010-11-11T11:41:57.839-05:00I like the voice you infused in the revision, but ...I like the voice you infused in the revision, but I like the first version much better. Keep it in third person, present tense and cut back on the details. Why is Morgaina the only one who can save Odin's daughter? Example:<br /><br />When ninth-grader Morgaina discovers she's a demigoddess--and that only she can save the Norse god of war and death's daughter--she must master her powers over____ or else___.<br /><br />Hope that helps. Best of luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com