tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post84370890759174038..comments2024-03-09T06:15:04.254-05:00Comments on Rach Writes...: Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #11Rachael Harriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-72397302095749298872016-02-09T03:14:26.148-05:002016-02-09T03:14:26.148-05:00Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life an...<br />Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)<br /><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/trK0iA" rel="nofollow">Atasi Komedo Anda Dengan Masker Putih Telur</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Sqt8Nv" rel="nofollow">Tips Untuk Menyehatkan Dan Menyegarkan Tubuh Secara Alami</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/xcNtIi" rel="nofollow">Obat Kuat Alami Untuk Suami</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/CeGP9Z" rel="nofollow">Cara Hidup Sehat Untuk Penderita Kolesterol</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Ky0QHY" rel="nofollow">Obat Leher Kaku Dan Sakit</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/0QZJJQ" rel="nofollow">Vitamin Yang Bagus Untuk Penambah Nafsu Makan Anak</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/5znkUN" rel="nofollow">Obat Pilek Menahun Untuk Ibu Hamil</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/yBzJCG" rel="nofollow">Obat Alami Pemutih Lutut Dan Siku Yang Hitam</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/zpC4MM" rel="nofollow">Cegah Penyakit Diabetes Dengan Jalan Kaki Selama Dua Menit</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/TFOkcH" rel="nofollow">Teh Herbal Pelangsing Untuk Menurunkan Berat Badan</a> <br /><a href="http;//goo.gl/CkeRFp" rel="nofollow">Cara Alami Agar Kulit Bersih Dan Mulus</a> <br />aisyahputrisetiawanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03192442695534733153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-45008381130735979922010-11-11T23:46:59.879-05:002010-11-11T23:46:59.879-05:00This can be tightened.
After Paul discovers his ...This can be tightened. <br /><br />After Paul discovers his great uncle had cloned him from his Twen-Cen rock star ancestor and killed his mother, Paul must travel to an alternate universe to save his ancestor from assassination before his uncle can killed someone else Paul loves.Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-59797440900346970892010-11-11T20:21:30.730-05:002010-11-11T20:21:30.730-05:00The first sentence of your new version is great--i...The first sentence of your new version is great--it really clarified the story for me. <br /><br />I actually think the second sentence of the first version is stronger and clear than the new one. <br /><br />I suggest you try combining the two version and see what happens. <br /><br />The story sound really cool.Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-79643234351802251072010-11-11T12:15:26.388-05:002010-11-11T12:15:26.388-05:00First, be sure to proofread carefully: "then ...First, be sure to proofread carefully: "then had his mother was killed" can't be right.<br /><br />I'm confused by the end of your revised version. In the first version, you say he has to travel to learn to impersonate the rock star, which makes sense if he has to appear in the guise of the rock star to defeat his uncle. But now, there's the assassination attempt to consider. How does that fit in? <br /><br />Otherwise, though, the added specificity works well. I do like the revised version, I'm just a little confused by the extra plot details.Jessnoreply@blogger.com