tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post3860905451730503257..comments2024-03-09T06:15:04.254-05:00Comments on Rach Writes...: Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #5Rachael Harriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-86834318922002028532016-02-09T03:16:11.695-05:002016-02-09T03:16:11.695-05:00Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life an...<br />Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)<br /><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/trK0iA" rel="nofollow">Atasi Komedo Anda Dengan Masker Putih Telur</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Sqt8Nv" rel="nofollow">Tips Untuk Menyehatkan Dan Menyegarkan Tubuh Secara Alami</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/xcNtIi" rel="nofollow">Obat Kuat Alami Untuk Suami</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/CeGP9Z" rel="nofollow">Cara Hidup Sehat Untuk Penderita Kolesterol</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Ky0QHY" rel="nofollow">Obat Leher Kaku Dan Sakit</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/0QZJJQ" rel="nofollow">Vitamin Yang Bagus Untuk Penambah Nafsu Makan Anak</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/5znkUN" rel="nofollow">Obat Pilek Menahun Untuk Ibu Hamil</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/yBzJCG" rel="nofollow">Obat Alami Pemutih Lutut Dan Siku Yang Hitam</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/zpC4MM" rel="nofollow">Cegah Penyakit Diabetes Dengan Jalan Kaki Selama Dua Menit</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/TFOkcH" rel="nofollow">Teh Herbal Pelangsing Untuk Menurunkan Berat Badan</a> <br /><a href="http;//goo.gl/CkeRFp" rel="nofollow">Cara Alami Agar Kulit Bersih Dan Mulus</a> <br />aisyahputrisetiawanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03192442695534733153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-60640776622946454262010-11-12T15:39:11.115-05:002010-11-12T15:39:11.115-05:00Author #5 here. Thanks so much for your feedback!!...Author #5 here. Thanks so much for your feedback!!! Here's another attempt:<br /><br />When seventeen-year-old Zoe learns that an evil Greek god and The Fates have been playing tug-of-war with her life—and that she's not just some freakish gardening prodigy but a daughter of the goddess of spring—she must wield her life-giving powers with deadly force if she is to win her battle for independence or else become a weapon in her enemy’s plot against humankind.<br /><br />It's pretty long, so I'll work on condensing it. The evil Greek god in question is Tartarus, and I decided to leave the name out because others found it distracting. <br /><br />Thanks again for your help!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-38826879734555170062010-11-12T14:59:29.555-05:002010-11-12T14:59:29.555-05:00I'm a little bit undecided on this one, though...I'm a little bit undecided on this one, though I think there's a lot of voice in your revision. Where I'm torn is between Jess's comments and those of Pat. I guess there's such a leap between mastering powers over plant-life to gaining independence to saving humanity that I have a little huh? moment as I read. So I think I'm with Jess on this one. Is there any way you can give a bit more info on the significance of her powers?Rachael Harriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-27245888569195566372010-11-12T00:04:16.916-05:002010-11-12T00:04:16.916-05:00Oh, wow! Love the revised version. I agree with Pa...Oh, wow! Love the revised version. I agree with Pat. Tell us who the god is--assuming that's not part of the climax. And I loved the freakish part because it gave the logline voice. ;)Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-8945195237568674592010-11-11T21:09:00.582-05:002010-11-11T21:09:00.582-05:00Great revision. I suggest you trust that agents ar...Great revision. I suggest you trust that agents are familar with Greek mythology and give the evil god's name. Also I suggest you swap and say what she is 'the goddess of spring first and then say she's not just a garden prodigy(I'd also cut the freak part to tighten). <br /><br />I didn't have a problem with the stakes. I thought it was clear that if she didn't master her powers she'd become the god's weapon. I didn't feel the need to know what the plot against humans was.Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-1087550134699064162010-11-11T11:57:42.627-05:002010-11-11T11:57:42.627-05:00This is an improvement over the first. However, I&...This is an improvement over the first. However, I'm still not totally sold on the stakes. I guess I don't see how mastering her powers over plant-life would help her win independence, especially since there's no indication that she's lost her independence except that the Gods are "playing tug-of-war with her life"--and I'm not really sure what that means. I can't tell if she or even humankind are in any real danger because there are no specifics. <br /><br />I like the concept, I just want to be sure the stakes are there.Jessnoreply@blogger.com