tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post3470815148829175992..comments2024-03-09T06:15:04.254-05:00Comments on Rach Writes...: Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #8Rachael Harriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-25096504821083533382016-02-09T03:15:03.045-05:002016-02-09T03:15:03.045-05:00Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life an...<br />Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)<br /><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/trK0iA" rel="nofollow">Atasi Komedo Anda Dengan Masker Putih Telur</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Sqt8Nv" rel="nofollow">Tips Untuk Menyehatkan Dan Menyegarkan Tubuh Secara Alami</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/xcNtIi" rel="nofollow">Obat Kuat Alami Untuk Suami</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/CeGP9Z" rel="nofollow">Cara Hidup Sehat Untuk Penderita Kolesterol</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Ky0QHY" rel="nofollow">Obat Leher Kaku Dan Sakit</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/0QZJJQ" rel="nofollow">Vitamin Yang Bagus Untuk Penambah Nafsu Makan Anak</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/5znkUN" rel="nofollow">Obat Pilek Menahun Untuk Ibu Hamil</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/yBzJCG" rel="nofollow">Obat Alami Pemutih Lutut Dan Siku Yang Hitam</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/zpC4MM" rel="nofollow">Cegah Penyakit Diabetes Dengan Jalan Kaki Selama Dua Menit</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/TFOkcH" rel="nofollow">Teh Herbal Pelangsing Untuk Menurunkan Berat Badan</a> <br /><a href="http;//goo.gl/CkeRFp" rel="nofollow">Cara Alami Agar Kulit Bersih Dan Mulus</a> <br />aisyahputrisetiawanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03192442695534733153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-22764519434316140602010-11-13T03:32:41.958-05:002010-11-13T03:32:41.958-05:00Hi, I like Pat's suggestion for your logline. ...Hi, I like Pat's suggestion for your logline. Perhaps if you use that for a starting point, and then see if you can introduce a little bit about the stakes and keeping his mentor's respect, as Pat suggested in the first comment.<br /><br />Hope this helps.<br /><br />RachRachael Harriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-14372414427000986742010-11-11T22:39:33.956-05:002010-11-11T22:39:33.956-05:00When eleven-year-old bird lover Simon Downey makes...When eleven-year-old bird lover Simon Downey makes a deal to catch in a baseball tournament in exchange for his friends joining his bird-a-thon team, he discovers it’s as difficult teaching others to identify birds as it is to maintain a squat in the middle of high-speed pitches and swinging bats. <br /><br />(It wasn't the end of your query I was thinking of--its was this part. I think this alone is darn close to a good logline, but my brain is feeling a bit logline scrambled right now)Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-52395483649836108172010-11-11T20:51:54.385-05:002010-11-11T20:51:54.385-05:00Hmmm...I think I like your original.The revision i...Hmmm...I think I like your original.The revision is too long, although I love getting more details because I think this is such a great story. But I don't have any suggestions for you right now because I truly suck at loglines. Truly and absolutely.DJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14359760998871484565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-72096740683380956732010-11-11T20:35:10.692-05:002010-11-11T20:35:10.692-05:00I read your query on your blog yesterday and think...I read your query on your blog yesterday and think it's great. I think you aren't doing yourself a favor by not including the baseball aspect of the story in the logline. Baseball vs. birding is the story's hook. For that reason I much prefer your first version.<br /><br />'Simon, a great birder and not-so-good baseball player, makes a deal to play catcher in the big tournament in exchange for his teammates joining his bird-a-thon team.'<br /><br />I think this part is clear and works well. I'm trying to recall how your query ends because I liked it. Is it something that you can add to the sentence above?<br /><br />I think your second sentence could include the fun part about the turkey vultures and end with what is as stake (his mentor's respect?)<br /><br />Sorry I could be of more help, if I have a chance I'll try to find your blog post and see if it brings anything to mind.Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.com