tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post3119914130502447185..comments2024-03-09T06:15:04.254-05:00Comments on Rach Writes...: Logline Critique Session Two Revisited #4Rachael Harriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-54343932469095425572016-02-09T03:16:28.610-05:002016-02-09T03:16:28.610-05:00Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life an...<br />Banned complain !! Complaining only causes life and mind become more severe. Enjoy the rhythm of the problems faced. No matter ga life, not a problem not learn, so enjoy it :)<br /><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/trK0iA" rel="nofollow">Atasi Komedo Anda Dengan Masker Putih Telur</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Sqt8Nv" rel="nofollow">Tips Untuk Menyehatkan Dan Menyegarkan Tubuh Secara Alami</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/xcNtIi" rel="nofollow">Obat Kuat Alami Untuk Suami</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/CeGP9Z" rel="nofollow">Cara Hidup Sehat Untuk Penderita Kolesterol</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/Ky0QHY" rel="nofollow">Obat Leher Kaku Dan Sakit</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/0QZJJQ" rel="nofollow">Vitamin Yang Bagus Untuk Penambah Nafsu Makan Anak</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/5znkUN" rel="nofollow">Obat Pilek Menahun Untuk Ibu Hamil</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/yBzJCG" rel="nofollow">Obat Alami Pemutih Lutut Dan Siku Yang Hitam</a> <br /><a href="http://goo.gl/zpC4MM" rel="nofollow">Cegah Penyakit Diabetes Dengan Jalan Kaki Selama Dua Menit</a><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/TFOkcH" rel="nofollow">Teh Herbal Pelangsing Untuk Menurunkan Berat Badan</a> <br /><a href="http;//goo.gl/CkeRFp" rel="nofollow">Cara Alami Agar Kulit Bersih Dan Mulus</a> <br />aisyahputrisetiawanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03192442695534733153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-63560830182797045012010-11-12T00:08:13.135-05:002010-11-12T00:08:13.135-05:00I'm with Pat. This version is fab!!! I wouldn&...I'm with Pat. This version is fab!!! I wouldn't change a thing. And this sounds like a great story. :DStinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-46182075689106041522010-11-11T21:32:59.664-05:002010-11-11T21:32:59.664-05:00I like the new details you added to the new versio...I like the new details you added to the new version--it makes me like Verity much more. Great work! Oh, and thanks so much for hosting this critique session!!!Vicki Schultzhttp://www.vickischultz.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-16455041880370898402010-11-11T21:16:31.412-05:002010-11-11T21:16:31.412-05:00I'm laughing. I read everyone's comments a...I'm laughing. I read everyone's comments and couldn't see what they had to complain about. I think you've got it. Great revison and good luck.<br /><br />One thought. I am not good with commas, but I think you might not need one after however.Trish Esdenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02049667128434033805noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-58740860751624174502010-11-11T19:11:07.267-05:002010-11-11T19:11:07.267-05:00Thanks so much for your comments :) I've revis...Thanks so much for your comments :) I've revised my new logline and posted it above (the old revised logline read as follows):<br /><br />When seventeen-year-old Verity is murdered by the boy she loves, she becomes a ghost whose ability to burn her victims seems purpose-made for her mission of vengeance. However, Verity’s sanity is stretched to the limits as her body-count rises and her powers spiral out of control, and unless she finds a way to rein herself in she risks becoming more of a monster than the one she hunts.Rachael Harriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-65362614464452179262010-11-11T14:48:31.537-05:002010-11-11T14:48:31.537-05:00The revision is definitely an improvement. I stumb...The revision is definitely an improvement. I stumbled over 'purpose-made'.<br /><br />When seventeen-year-old Verity is murdered by the boy she loves, she becomes a ghost bent on revenge. As her body-count rises and her powers spiral out of control, Verity must find a way to rein herself in or else she risks becoming more of a monster than the one she hunts.Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-34594782985655429152010-11-11T11:49:27.637-05:002010-11-11T11:49:27.637-05:00I think this revision is a huge improvement! I agr...I think this revision is a huge improvement! I agree that the trajectory of the story is confusing, though--is her goal to harness her powers or get revenge, or both? If it's both, don't drop the revenge part at the end. If it isn't, then I'm not sure what the point of the story is. I'm not saying there isn't one, but I do want it to be made very clear.Jessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-33095333184410269652010-11-11T11:44:46.398-05:002010-11-11T11:44:46.398-05:00I feel like I have a much better sense of the book...I feel like I have a much better sense of the book in the second - and I'm really interested in reading it! But, is the book about Verity hunting down the boy who killed her? Or about learning how to handle her new power? Or kind of a self discovery? <br />What about: After Verity is murdered, she returns as a ghost bent on vengeance. But as her power grows and her body count spirals out of control she has to find a way to keep herself from becoming a monster herself.<br /><br />(My only qualm here is that maybe you shouldn't use 'monster' figuratively when 'ghost' is used literally)Robin Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12254896327174187893noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-56610913278210909552010-11-11T10:18:17.720-05:002010-11-11T10:18:17.720-05:00Hmm. I like the extra detail about what she become...Hmm. I like the extra detail about what she becomes. The second sentence is a bit unwieldy, though. Also, if she's killing people, then she is just as much of a monster as the guy who killed her, if not more. Not sure I like that in a character, so maybe you could make her seem a bit more sympathetic? Why is what she's doing justified?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com