tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post1776571753482017875..comments2024-03-09T06:15:04.254-05:00Comments on Rach Writes...: The Evolution of a Logline... (*please help*)Rachael Harriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-72879316460982010302010-11-07T05:33:49.691-05:002010-11-07T05:33:49.691-05:00Hi, I deliberately didn't read the other comme...Hi, I deliberately didn't read the other comments, so this might have been said before. I very much like the 2 sentence blurb. It's fabulous. But for a one sentence blurb, I'd go with the first version. Your last sentence seems much too long. Or you can shorten it.<br /><br />When (x-aged) misfit Verity becomes a ghost after being brutally murdered, she needs to control her deadly new powers and her desire for vengeance to stop killing innocent people including the one person who can save her from herself.<br /><br />Still long though...Katharina Gerlachhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00223722392075669331noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-33206460965315780772010-11-05T21:54:03.468-04:002010-11-05T21:54:03.468-04:00Very cool book! I think the one-sentence pitch is ...Very cool book! I think the one-sentence pitch is a run-on sentence and should really be two sentences. Is it too late for me to enter? I'm gonna try anyway.Christie Wright Wildhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13656162315858480593noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-67106751644709991942010-11-04T23:17:52.933-04:002010-11-04T23:17:52.933-04:00Love the logline. You've put in some hard wor...Love the logline. You've put in some hard work on it. And, lol, I totally missed that the logline blogfest was a contest. Must go back and see what it is...oops. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13380826220166366026noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-36955681222158365152010-11-04T15:57:51.221-04:002010-11-04T15:57:51.221-04:00When misfit Verity becomes a ghost after being bru...When misfit Verity becomes a ghost after being brutally murdered by the boy she loves, her deadly new powers and an unquenchable desire for vengeance lead to an increasing body-count, potentially including the one person with the power to save her from herself.<br /><br />I really like this premise!Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-16289228023388984862010-11-04T10:27:48.410-04:002010-11-04T10:27:48.410-04:00I am totally in the minority here, but I don't...I am totally in the minority here, but I don't like the word 'ghost'. The other versions left a mystery to her transformation, made me sit up and wonder what happens.<br /><br />When I read 'ghost', I slump and think, "Oh, thats what she is".<br /><br />IMHO :)Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-18323180640262215242010-11-04T06:56:09.437-04:002010-11-04T06:56:09.437-04:00I think the one liner sounds the most interesting....I think the one liner sounds the most interesting. I'm curious to know how exactly the body count gets higher, but so far it's a good start.Najelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03529650047480022627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-79719224441034928762010-11-04T00:29:09.499-04:002010-11-04T00:29:09.499-04:00I also skipped the comments to give you my feedbac...I also skipped the comments to give you my feedback. I like your new version. I tripped up in the first sentence wondering whether the ability to burn her victims was one of her deadly new powers. I wasn't sure if you were listing three things or if there should be a colon or semi-colon after 'powers'. It works better in your pitch - perhaps you could use the same structure in the logline?<br /><br />Also if Verity is the cause of the ever-increasing body-count, I'd like to know if she's unhappy about it or not. To me, that's the conflict: she's killing people but she doesn't want to, and if that is the case, you need to indicate it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-1504614756476969422010-11-03T23:24:53.272-04:002010-11-03T23:24:53.272-04:00I think I want to read this book!I think I want to read this book!Kate @Midnight Book Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01220575670960466054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-56451234957081412792010-11-03T22:37:25.263-04:002010-11-03T22:37:25.263-04:00I think you did a great job of getting it down to ...I think you did a great job of getting it down to the one sentence pitch. Good luck with it.<br />MargayMargay Leah Justicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490126898758440254noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-76953220810980264762010-11-03T18:18:58.433-04:002010-11-03T18:18:58.433-04:00I like the last logline, but I agree with Tessa: r...I like the last logline, but I agree with Tessa: replacing 'misfit' with '17-year-old' will paint a better image of Verity and place the story solidly in YA land.roh morgonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06823641709307631626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-89584238719160674972010-11-03T14:59:54.360-04:002010-11-03T14:59:54.360-04:00Popping over again. I like both loglines. You'...Popping over again. I like both loglines. You're one sentence is really concise. I finally posted my revised ones, today. Thanks for all your help.S.A. Larsenッhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06241633272588383935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-70894443710108453442010-11-03T06:15:12.576-04:002010-11-03T06:15:12.576-04:00Love your feedback and comments guys :) It's g...Love your feedback and comments guys :) It's great, now I have a range of different pitches/loglines I can pull out depending on the occasion. I so appreciate all your help, and it's been wonderful "meeting" all of you. What a fantastic blogfest!!!Rachael Harriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-21102121214399498142010-11-02T22:23:52.507-04:002010-11-02T22:23:52.507-04:00I like the last two-sentence revision. It flows b...I like the last two-sentence revision. It flows better and clearly conveys the conflict. I wasn't aware we had to create a one-liner. If so, I'm not going to make it. I just posted my fourth revision and am about to take on the fifth. It's hard to squeeze a complex plot into two sentences. Best of luck on this. Great job.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00501918398545296619noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-91638121608110389772010-11-02T16:52:50.726-04:002010-11-02T16:52:50.726-04:00I'm so impressed I have no advice to give. Gre...I'm so impressed I have no advice to give. Great job, Rachael! And doubly great to meet you.<br /><br />Go, you!!Jackeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03351019926958000627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-88340138477409459722010-11-02T11:01:49.843-04:002010-11-02T11:01:49.843-04:00I agree with Tessa; I like the brevity and emotion...I agree with Tessa; I like the brevity and emotional tug of the first one. One thing I tried, actually this weekend, was using my logline. People asked, "hey, what's your book about? And I found the simple one was the best. The others are great, don't get me wrong, it's hard to say, but if you ran into an agent and had to to give an elevator pitch which sounds best?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-7746103896245135902010-11-02T10:36:46.327-04:002010-11-02T10:36:46.327-04:00To be honest? I like the very first log line the b...To be honest? I like the very first log line the best. I don't think log lines are supposed to be queries, so you shouldn't need the whole dilemma and what she has to do in it. It's supposed to raise interest, and the first one is short, snazzy, and an eye-opener.<br /><br />The only thing I can think up to add is "When 17 year old Verity is..." if you have nowhere else to indicate that this is YA.Tessa Quinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12619129838476851241noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-81790803394257244022010-11-02T09:29:13.061-04:002010-11-02T09:29:13.061-04:00(purposesly didn't read comments so I could gi...(purposesly didn't read comments so I could give fresh feedback) I really love the two sentence version you've ended up with. I think the final one-sentence though, needs a little... less? restructure? Something... this would be my attempt:<br /><br />When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she is left with deadly new powers and an unquenchable desire for vengeance that she must learn to control or a lot of innocent people will die.<br /><br />I'm sure this isn't it... it just feels like what you have strains--it is technically one sentence, but it doesn't meet the spirit of a one-sentence... if that makes sense.Hart Johnsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17599570189253229318noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-17911545984662543912010-11-02T06:26:34.618-04:002010-11-02T06:26:34.618-04:00Hi Rach, You've inspired me to have a go: http...Hi Rach, You've inspired me to have a go: http://scribbleandedit.blogspot.com/2010/11/logline-blogfest.html <br />:O)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-32603789743719257152010-11-02T02:23:30.597-04:002010-11-02T02:23:30.597-04:00Ooh, thanks Rachel!! I like that one. Changing it ...Ooh, thanks Rachel!! I like that one. Changing it now :)<br /><br />RachRachael Harriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-5252554826028828062010-11-02T01:13:21.237-04:002010-11-02T01:13:21.237-04:00Ooh, I like this latest version. Interesting to se...Ooh, I like this latest version. Interesting to see how it's changed since I was last here! There's one thing I want to ask about. In the last line:<br /><br />"including the one person with the power to help her regain her sanity."<br /><br />The regaining her sanity part sounds sort of... not emotive enough (wow, my eloquence in these comments is astounding ;-)!). Is their relationship more intimate/personal than that? Would something like <br /><br />"including the one person with the power to save her from herself."<br /><br />possibly fit? Just an idea!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06181241692016438730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-48773661242730807752010-11-02T00:08:35.121-04:002010-11-02T00:08:35.121-04:00I've tried a different approach, changing &quo...I've tried a different approach, changing "she has come to love" to "with the power to help her regain her sanity." Not sure though...thoughts???Rachael Harriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-52768366120100087472010-11-02T00:01:55.701-04:002010-11-02T00:01:55.701-04:00It's amazing how two sentences can tie your he...It's amazing how two sentences can tie your head in knots, isn't it (*groans*).<br /><br />Thanks for all your comments, I so appreciate them. The two guys are different - she goes on a rampage trying to kill her murderers, including the boy she once loved, but in the process she falls in love again, with the one guy who can still see her (and you'll have to read the book to find out why (*smirks*)). <br /><br />I'm stuck on the last part of the pitch/logline, if I mention "loves" in the second part, you're right - it gets too confusing. But Marieke's right, I need something stronger than "can still see her". <br /><br />Any ideas???Rachael Harriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16764930101064527321noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-83449798893932844732010-11-01T22:52:33.061-04:002010-11-01T22:52:33.061-04:00Wow, how did I miss yours last week? I was in the ...Wow, how did I miss yours last week? I was in the MSFV crit as well, but the advice I got resulted in my not so great (until Christina edited it) two sentence version. <br /><br />I was hooked on the one you entered the contest with. And it just got better after that. <br /><br />Question: is the boy who killed her and the person she loves the same?Stinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11415189347501942340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-73626749732448702322010-11-01T21:49:39.748-04:002010-11-01T21:49:39.748-04:00Wow. I really like this. You've summed it up r...Wow. I really like this. You've summed it up really well. You've given me a few ideas of my own to incorporate. BTW, thanks for your visits back to my blog. I think I should try and do what you did. Write a two liner and then condense. I'm going to reiterate what Steena said in her comment about the boy being the same. That was the only thing that made me go Hmmm... Great job!S.A. Larsenッhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06241633272588383935noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3380793708805406109.post-46663687442358711082010-11-01T19:45:23.189-04:002010-11-01T19:45:23.189-04:00I like your amended version! It's so difficult...I like your amended version! It's so difficult to sum up a whole novel in just a couple of sentences. I'm still struggling with mine!<br /><br />P.S.: There's a blog award awaiting you on my site! ;)<br /><br />http://jc-martin.com/fighterwriterJ.C. Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01567971311643106302noreply@blogger.com